Hope

Praying to God to give the doctors wisdom and trust and open-mindedness again. My PCP has already demonstrated a good amount of caring and patience. Is a good heart enough? To bring forth the other characteristics? I guess pray also for curiosity, learning, perseverance, effort, and faith.

If we are able to help my primary care doctor open his mind and see how obviously Lyme disease cannot be ignored, I wonder what that would do. That would be pretty amazing actually. A first step for a mainstream doctor to admit and recognize a disease that only so far can be accepted by people who experience it themselves or through family members. I would not wish this disease on anyone, but the only benefit that could come from wishing someone to go through it is to have doctors themselves experience it so that they would finally understand and believe, and be able to help their patients.

It was interesting, again he asked me "Do you trust me?" when trying to prescribe me Clonazepam. The first time I was obviously resistant. This time it came as a question rather than a statement. Well, I couldn't answer that exactly. Trust enough for having met a doctor only several times, and seeing that he cares and puts more effort than most other doctors. Yet, I don't know, trust in what? Trust that he can heal me? Trust that he is trying? Possibly different questions.

Ultimately, this trust cannot come until he can also trust me and my family. He did actually ask me an interesting question, if I had any questions, thoughts, or suggestions about what is wrong or causing any of this. I was a little surprised and didn't have much of a response at the time. Only now I think, yeah, suggestion... Lyme or other tick-related disease, since every single one of my symptoms started appearing progressively the day the rash appeared. You cannot ignore the fact that a totally healthy in both body and mind, totally symptom-less person for 29 years who never went to the doctor ever, all of a sudden exactly when an erythema migrans rash appears after a tick bite, quickly and progressively develops signs of neurological disease, seizures, psychiatric illness, cognitive problems, joint degeneration from a 15 year old's body to a 60 year old's body, and unimaginably crippling fatigue.

The most important thing I need is my mind to be healthy. That's the tool needed to deal with everything. So I've gotten a glimpse into several major psychiatric illnesses, anxiety, depression... and praying to stay away from the even worse I don't even want to mention, though I've gotten a tiny glimpse already. You can't imagine what it's like to lose your mind.

Still hoping for miracles, and the angels that people say are watching over me, and that God is always with me. I never fought a battle that I didn't succeed in eventually. Yeah, maybe life was too easy, and God gave me everything. But this is the only one of all so far that really matters.

If God works through people, I've come across many people completely devoted to doing God's work during these last few months. So I'm trying to have faith that God uses everything towards something good.

And perhaps have faith in myself. I've always had uncanny intuition and ability to see things in the future. It's been difficult to grasp that during this suffering. Mind control is a powerful thing. Though that becomes an interesting question of how mind control works while you are losing your mind.

So, what can I imagine for the future for fun? That my sisters will become Lyme disease experts, working with the standard medical community, and win Nobel prizes for it, like the doctor that won a Nobel prize for discovering that stomach ulcers are caused by bacteria instead of stress after everyone called him crazy for years. And that an effective and harmless vaccine will be invented soon.

So anyway, if the doctor opens his mind to the possibility, it would be a miracle, and could be a step towards helping a lot of people in this world. That would be a sign of God answering my prayers.

Trust

Praying for miracles.

While I was in the hospital, one day, a nurse I hadn't seen before peeked into my room, then came back in a few minutes. She started talking to me about praying to God to make me healthy, and after I am healthy, I would go to church and glorify God. I was listening very intently. What else could I have faith in?

She said to me that the doctors are limited. God can overcome anything. But I could pray for God to give the doctors wisdom, I think she said something like that. She said something similar to what my boss had said, about giving up your burdens to God. And that God will love me, and that I am a beautiful child. Things beyond my understanding.

During this time, one of the nurse assistants came by and watched through the window. He must have seen us in intense dialogue. Later on, I thought back and actually it seemed like a divine experience. Perhaps as Heather said, the angels are watching over me.

Immediately after, I was moved to another room, with a much nicer view, and a view of a church. I saw the nurse a few more times in passing. She was always smiling brightly and watching. She stopped by once more to give me "Our Daily Bread".

***

Yes, I want to believe, like the doctor said, that I'm young and healthy and I'll bounce back. That I'll look back at 2006 and say that was a terrible year.

It's like I'm hoping for a miracle doctor, maybe that's too much to ask. At my second visit with him, he said to trust him, but how could I when he didn't seem to trust me that I knew my symptoms weren't psychological or stress-related. So far, it seems to alternate a bit with each appointment.

Pray that doctors will have the wisdom to heal, and be caring, understanding, patient, persevere, and trust and believe in their patients.

Bright Smile

If blogging could be a sign that I'm well enough to blog, that hopefully my health is being regained. Here's a picture showing a pretty healthy looking me back in early June at Lawrence and Yian's wedding reception. This is the day after I decided to break up with Johnny the night before, and still looking pretty good... I can't quite tell if my neck is stiff in this picture though.



Everyone should have as bright a smile as Yian.

Can one really know what it means to have taken things for granted until one loses those things. Even if one thinks one isn't taking things for granted, one never knows until one experiences it.

I've had almost thirty years of a pretty uneventful perfect life, pretty much everything I could have asked for, and everything I strived for, I got without much difficulty. If this is just one year temporarily of suffering, during which I can transform my life, and if I could have another thirty years and more, of a good life, that would really be a wonderful thing.