Winter

I'm reading the "Our Daily Bread" that the nurse gave to me in the hospital. The last two entries for November, one says "In the darkest times of our lives, God longs to turn our 'mourning into dancing'", and "if you cry out to God in the midst of your 'winter', you can experience the joy of the Christ of Christmas today."

"Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning." -Psalm 30:5

The last one says, "do we trust in God and thank Him for whatever He has planned for us? Whatever our situation is today, we can be thankful for God's seasons."

"To everything there is a season, a time for every purpose under heaven." -Ecclesiastes 3:1

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Sometimes the suffering is extremely hard to bear, almost unbearable, and to think that this isn't even that bad, that there are worse suffering out there, is pretty depressing. Why does suffering exist? What is God's plan? And how will He show mercy?

My mom says God only helps those who help themselves. And I feel like I don't know how to help myself. Or can God help those who are weakest?

I'm lucky that I have a family to help me when I can't take care of myself. I'm lucky my family has money to pay for health care and things. What would I do without them?

I can wish that my life would go back to the way it was before, carefree and painless. I can be thankful for that time. Sometimes things happen and life is changed. Can I pray for miracles, that both my neck and Lyme disease (and whatever other afflictions) will be healed, pristine? Maybe someday I can look back on this, as I have looked back on the lesser problems in my life in the past.

Dream

Yesterday my boss called to see how I was doing. He didn't really talk much about work, ended up talking about his own path to God and Christianity. It's amazing how long he's been able to keep me on unofficial sick leave. It must be hard to understand how I can speak fine on the phone but not be functional in other respects. I don't know, something about it made me cry during the entire conversation. Yeah, not really normal protocol for employee-boss relations.

It must be weirder that I can sometimes blog but not be functional... but usually it's in the few hours in the night when I regain some semblance of normalcy, normal brain sensations and otherwise. A bit of rest. I may be sleeping or lying in bed up to twenty hours per day, not being functional, but at least I can sleep and have that bit of peace.

A young lady at the SPECT scan place, also being treated for Lyme disease, spoke to me. A little gift to remind me of determination and faith. She said she decided she will be in the percentage of people who get rid of the disease forever and it never comes back, and that you have to believe and have faith. It's hard when you've already been beaten down, but this I have to do. I always had this attitude before, why now it's different and more difficult. When people told me things were impossible, I worked harder and proved that wrong.

I just received a gift and card from an old boyfriend and family, reminding me of this again. Everybody tells me that they know this is just temporary, that I'll get better, that angels are watching over me, and God is always with you. My boss said that during his own struggle, God spoke to his heart and said to have patience and trust in him.

Have patience, trust, and faith. Thankful that help comes from so many people and places. And my brain is so amazing, it must be able to heal itself, right?