2007 Wishes

My friend suggested thinking about all the good things I would want for 2007 tonight. She said she knows 2007 will be a better year.

Oh so many things....

Most importantly...

Health in all its forms for me, my family, friends, and everyone.
Less suffering in the world.
Spiritual growth.

And also...

A nice marriageable man for my sister. :)
Okay, one for myself too.
An occupation for my brother.
No neck and stomach pain for my other sister.
Blessings for my best friend.
Continued health and happiness for all those starting new lives together, and bringing new lives into the world.

And...

Being able to work.
Developing and cherishing deeper relationships with people.
Financial security for the long term.

Icing on the cake...

Dancing, waltzing.

And many things probably not thought of at the moment...

***

Health means everything, being able to have and do all the other things.

Reevaluating

My old friend from my Asera internship during the Internet boom just e-mailed to announce that he and his wife had their first child, a new daughter. My old roommate/drawmate is having her second child. And I also heard of another engagement recently, one of the most beautiful couples I have probably seen. (Not beautiful in a physical sense, of course. Well, not that they're not also beautiful in that sense, but you know....)

I hadn't really cared to think much about getting married and having children and such all this time. For the most part, I've said that I'd be just as happy not married as married, whatever my luck in finding a partner in life. As a healthy and capable person, I was happy just working, chasing after helping the world make progress, and having friends and family. Why does being seriously ill make me question all that?

Perhaps I should have spent more of my time and efforts during college and during my twenties focusing on relationships rather than studying, working, self-development, preparing for the future. One of my older married male coworkers told me, "insert name here, the most important thing is to get married." That may sound like it could be a sexist traditional degrading statement, but it really wasn't. It was really genuine, and in many ways true. And it came from a person who I see as one of the best husbands and fathers out there.

Heh, would it really be so bad to go to college for a MRS degree? There's something to be said for getting things done early. And I've really gotten to know how important it is to have caretakers in the family and social structure, which women have traditionally fulfilled. Some of us, in focusing on and developing our "male" skills, have neglected to develop our caretaking and mothering abilities. Men and women who can do both at the same time are pretty amazing.

Being sick has brought out so many fears, which is not good. The fear of being so sick for so long that I'll miss out on the remaining prime of life, the time for me to be dating, getting married, and having children. At least having the option of that. The fear that I'll be like an invalid for so long, my parents and siblings will have to take care of me. Fear of pain, physical and mental. Fear...

I'm not sure that I've just become a more fearful person, but that I never experienced real suffering, to know what there is to fear, so I was always blissfully innocent and carefree. Things that seemed to be challenges at the time, like breakups, agonizing over choosing a major and career, being unemployed for a year, are nothing, barely a blip compared to this. Then you understand why Chinese always say they value health above all else.

Precious

If you have a normal or relatively normal brain, it's probably impossible to imagine what it's like when a brain goes haywire. Probably the hardest thing to get through, among the multitude of symptoms I have, is the wacked-out brain stuff. I keep trying to explain to the doctor that one can actually feel the difference between when psychiatric symptoms are physiological or psychological in origin. Of course, they tend not to believe so, because any time they can't see or figure out the physical cause of a problem, they dump it into the psychological or psychosomatic category. I'll have more to say about this and medical testing later. At this point, I'd say that things that actually have a psychological basis are easier to deal with, because there is actually something you can work on to fix, aside from taking a drug.

Aside from the weird excruciatingly painful anxiety panic type feelings that come out of nowhere, some depression, I can also now proudly claim to have been psychotic and briefly taken anti-psychotic medication often used for schizophrenia patients. Anyway, I'm now more able to feel for the mentally ill, including those who are suicidal, homeless, and criminals.

So the voice that occasionally deranged inside my head actually sounds like the hobbit creature, I realized. And then I realized he actually has voices that fight in his mind too. Then I came across this:

A Precious Case from Middle Earth

Anyway, I think the frequency, length, and quality of my blogging will correlate with how well I'm doing. This is 5-10%. I could have more to say, but I'd probably wear myself out.

Christmas

Christmas horoscope:

News from afar gives you the best gift of all. 2006 wasn’t easy, but 2007 promises to make up for it.

***

Yeah, not easy, I'll say.... One day you're zipping around, capable of doing anything anytime, and then one day you can barely do anything, literally. A past life, a future life, seems like a dream.

One thing I did today was try to understand the story of Job in the Bible, although at this point, it's too hard to read the Bible, so I just read what people write about it on the Web.

Purpose

My horoscope from Thursday:

You’re experiencing a profound transformation. Call it chi, kundalini, or spiritual awakening, you will soon see things work out for you.

***

I need it but I can't see it.

Can you answer this question: what is your purpose in life?

Are the things you do worthwhile? Are they doing good for the world? Are they selfless or selfish? Why do you do what you choose to do?

What do I think about the things I was doing before? When I regain my health and ability to function, will I find it worthwhile to do the same things?