Sunday, October 29, 2006


Praying to God to give the doctors wisdom and trust and open-mindedness again. My PCP has already demonstrated a good amount of caring and patience. Is a good heart enough? To bring forth the other characteristics? I guess pray also for curiosity, learning, perseverance, effort, and faith.

If we are able to help my primary care doctor open his mind and see how obviously Lyme disease cannot be ignored, I wonder what that would do. That would be pretty amazing actually. A first step for a mainstream doctor to admit and recognize a disease that only so far can be accepted by people who experience it themselves or through family members. I would not wish this disease on anyone, but the only benefit that could come from wishing someone to go through it is to have doctors themselves experience it so that they would finally understand and believe, and be able to help their patients.

It was interesting, again he asked me "Do you trust me?" when trying to prescribe me Clonazepam. The first time I was obviously resistant. This time it came as a question rather than a statement. Well, I couldn't answer that exactly. Trust enough for having met a doctor only several times, and seeing that he cares and puts more effort than most other doctors. Yet, I don't know, trust in what? Trust that he can heal me? Trust that he is trying? Possibly different questions.

Ultimately, this trust cannot come until he can also trust me and my family. He did actually ask me an interesting question, if I had any questions, thoughts, or suggestions about what is wrong or causing any of this. I was a little surprised and didn't have much of a response at the time. Only now I think, yeah, suggestion... Lyme or other tick-related disease, since every single one of my symptoms started appearing progressively the day the rash appeared. You cannot ignore the fact that a totally healthy in both body and mind, totally symptom-less person for 29 years who never went to the doctor ever, all of a sudden exactly when an erythema migrans rash appears after a tick bite, quickly and progressively develops signs of neurological disease, seizures, psychiatric illness, cognitive problems, joint degeneration from a 15 year old's body to a 60 year old's body, and unimaginably crippling fatigue.

The most important thing I need is my mind to be healthy. That's the tool needed to deal with everything. So I've gotten a glimpse into several major psychiatric illnesses, anxiety, depression... and praying to stay away from the even worse I don't even want to mention, though I've gotten a tiny glimpse already. You can't imagine what it's like to lose your mind.

Still hoping for miracles, and the angels that people say are watching over me, and that God is always with me. I never fought a battle that I didn't succeed in eventually. Yeah, maybe life was too easy, and God gave me everything. But this is the only one of all so far that really matters.

If God works through people, I've come across many people completely devoted to doing God's work during these last few months. So I'm trying to have faith that God uses everything towards something good.

And perhaps have faith in myself. I've always had uncanny intuition and ability to see things in the future. It's been difficult to grasp that during this suffering. Mind control is a powerful thing. Though that becomes an interesting question of how mind control works while you are losing your mind.

So, what can I imagine for the future for fun? That my sisters will become Lyme disease experts, working with the standard medical community, and win Nobel prizes for it, like the doctor that won a Nobel prize for discovering that stomach ulcers are caused by bacteria instead of stress after everyone called him crazy for years. And that an effective and harmless vaccine will be invented soon.

So anyway, if the doctor opens his mind to the possibility, it would be a miracle, and could be a step towards helping a lot of people in this world. That would be a sign of God answering my prayers.