Monday, January 22, 2007

Still Dreaming

My doctor asked me how was my weekend. The asking of these questions makes me realize how difficult it is to comprehend what incapacitating fatigue is. I'll keep explaining that for the last almost six months, I've just been trying to eat and shower every day, and maybe little by little he'll understand some more. I described a little more, saying getting out to each doctor's appointment is like running a marathon, and oftentimes I crash for two days afterwards, hardly able to get out of bed. He was probably a little surprised, and responded that he didn't know that. It's something so unimaginable unless you experience it yourself. Even my best friend, a writer and a poet who is among the most imaginative and open-minded of people, probably can't even imagine fully what this is like.

He listens but doesn't really say anything in response when I say things like, however controversial the long-term Lyme treatment is, and whatever anybody thinks about it, the thing is, the Lyme specialists have experience treating thousands of patients with the collective symptoms that I have, and most of them get better. But he seems to think I'm at least somewhat sensible. And sometimes amusing because I tend not to censor anything I say.

A good doctor should recognize his own limits, when he doesn't know how to provide the best treatment for his patients. There's a line between wanting to help the patient oneself and caring enough to help find the best treatment.

I asked if he had ever had any patients with chronic fatigue. He said only one or two, and they went on to see other specialists when he couldn't do more for them, and were lost to follow-up. In that conversation, I blurted out something that made me realize that in the doctor-patient relationship, there can be a difference between trusting the doctor's treatment and trusting the person.


As I was turning thirty, I of course looked up "turning 30" on Google, and liked this page:

Turning 30

There is a quote that says, "If your memories exceed your dreams, the end is near." I was always dreaming before this. Sometimes I try to feel better by thinking about happy memories. But when the memories get further and further away, it's sad. At thirty, a person should still have a lot of dreams. As people age, with children, they can continue dreaming for their children.

So, we still need to dream.

I also liked the quote, "If at age 20 you are not a Communist then you have no heart. If at age 30 you are not a Capitalist then you have no brains." Hehe, so true.