Monday, December 10, 2012

Beneath the Redwoods

Yesterday at our monthly XJ class, held at a different location this time, Tiger asked me, "Have you been here before?"  "Yeah, I came to the workshop."  (Remember?  The workshop that you imbued with all that tense jealousy and anger?)

It's a simple yet in some way beautiful park with a few redwood trees in one corner.  Doing PH or a question and answer session with the teacher with everyone standing in a circle around us beneath the redwood trees feels almost sacred.

I started to realize afterwards that it was almost solely her behavior that made me think there might have been some sort of affair.  In my mind, that sort of jealousy doesn't quite fit in a teacher-student relationship since it's not supposed to be exclusive.  It was so strong that I assumed that for her to feel like that, he must have done something.

I should and do know better, having seen even more extreme versions via being "best friends" for almost twenty years with someone with subclinical or undiagnosed borderline personality disorder inherited from a parent with full-blown BPD.  It took me a very long time to realize, but I finally understood that with some people, one can't assume that their emotional reactions or any communication about another person have anything to do with what the other person actually does.  I'm guessing that's the borderline psychosis part of it.  Coincidentally or not, this former friend can also be considered a great artist and teacher by many people.

On the other hand, I also know from having had a BPD-ish friend that one also can't assume that what a person presents to the public or others has anything to do with what they are actually doing.  They are masters at making most people think they are innocent or the victims when they are actually the serious abusers.

In some cases, beware having any judgement of people by what others communicate about them, but in other cases, you can't get the real story by interacting with them (abusers) and can only get it from other people (targets).

So it could go both ways.  But by "intuition", I'm thinking more one way.

The only thing the teacher actually did was not do anything about it, which made it seem as if he accepted that she had a right to feel and behave that way.  That comment about being "stiff and hard" for all to hear... how disrespectful was that?  Towards both the teacher and me.  As if to say that the main reason he was giving me extra attention and putting me on the spot in class was because of that.

On the other hand, there was some truth to that in that I did feel that there was a physical attraction going on....  She's very perceptive too and in some ways honest and direct.

That wasn't the only incident during the workshop.  While he was demonstrating PH with her one time, she decided to do some FJ or something and knocked him back with some shoulder strike.  It looked kind of angry.  The teacher allowed her to do it and stumbled back several paces with a look of surprise with a tiny bit of amusement but otherwise non-reaction.  In reality, his skill is much higher and I'm pretty sure the only way that happened was if he allowed it.  She said, "Sorry."

I'm not the only one who was kind of thinking that way.  At lunch with my new TJ friends a few weeks ago, M who had even been gone for a month, didn't attend the workshop, and missed many of the "displays", said "I don't know why single girl, thirty-something, want to spend all her time there.  No other hobbies."  She might have said more if there weren't other people present.  I heard "there" as something like "with married man Teacher".  I said, "Well, hmm..., I actually spend most of my functional time doing TJ and going to class."  She replied, "That's because of your health."