Reevaluating

My old friend from my Asera internship during the Internet boom just e-mailed to announce that he and his wife had their first child, a new daughter. My old roommate/drawmate is having her second child. And I also heard of another engagement recently, one of the most beautiful couples I have probably seen. (Not beautiful in a physical sense, of course. Well, not that they're not also beautiful in that sense, but you know....)

I hadn't really cared to think much about getting married and having children and such all this time. For the most part, I've said that I'd be just as happy not married as married, whatever my luck in finding a partner in life. As a healthy and capable person, I was happy just working, chasing after helping the world make progress, and having friends and family. Why does being seriously ill make me question all that?

Perhaps I should have spent more of my time and efforts during college and during my twenties focusing on relationships rather than studying, working, self-development, preparing for the future. One of my older married male coworkers told me, "insert name here, the most important thing is to get married." That may sound like it could be a sexist traditional degrading statement, but it really wasn't. It was really genuine, and in many ways true. And it came from a person who I see as one of the best husbands and fathers out there.

Heh, would it really be so bad to go to college for a MRS degree? There's something to be said for getting things done early. And I've really gotten to know how important it is to have caretakers in the family and social structure, which women have traditionally fulfilled. Some of us, in focusing on and developing our "male" skills, have neglected to develop our caretaking and mothering abilities. Men and women who can do both at the same time are pretty amazing.

Being sick has brought out so many fears, which is not good. The fear of being so sick for so long that I'll miss out on the remaining prime of life, the time for me to be dating, getting married, and having children. At least having the option of that. The fear that I'll be like an invalid for so long, my parents and siblings will have to take care of me. Fear of pain, physical and mental. Fear...

I'm not sure that I've just become a more fearful person, but that I never experienced real suffering, to know what there is to fear, so I was always blissfully innocent and carefree. Things that seemed to be challenges at the time, like breakups, agonizing over choosing a major and career, being unemployed for a year, are nothing, barely a blip compared to this. Then you understand why Chinese always say they value health above all else.