Friday, January 19, 2007

Ability to Change

My doctor called today to check how I was doing on the Lexapro. Well, there were so many side effects from just a half pill, I didn't even describe them all over the phone because it would have taken too long. I mentioned there were other things I needed to think and decide about regarding treatment. Which happens to be the stuff that I'm not sure he even believes is possible. I still get the feeling that he thinks it's all simply due to stress (wow, I can't even imagine the kind of stress it would take to incapacitate a person to this degree) and that some anti-depressant and psychotherapy is going to make all the symptoms magically disappear. He said I could come in on Monday and he blocked off an hour for me so we could talk. That's pretty generous, but I wonder if he's going to charge the insurance company double time.

Maybe the Seroquel is doing something, because I was able to talk on the phone and even compose an e-mail before nightfall and feel like my brain was actually working somewhat.

I'm not sure why so far I still like being his patient, since he might not even believe what's ailing me. Last time, he just said, "I don't know." I don't know if that was a real "I don't know" or a not saying what he's thinking "I don't know."

It's admirable when people can change their own set beliefs and the way they think. This rarely happens. One time I changed my beliefs was changing the way I thought about homosexuality. But that change occurred when I was relatively young, and I was really just shifting from what my parents said to making my own thinking.

Maybe I'm hoping this is a doctor who might be able to change his mind.

Some people can be open-minded and smart enough to change their own thinking. There are also people who are adept at helping to change other people. My best friend is like that. I'm probably a lot more of an open-minded person since meeting her in the sixth grade.

Speaking of which, last night, I composed a poem in my dream. But I can't remember any of it now. At the time, I was quite impressed by my subconscious creative writing skills, never before seen. My friend says she writes poetry in her mind as she's falling asleep. Now if she starts solving math puzzles while sleeping, that will be something.

It must be the brain drugs, along with whatever's imbalancing my body. It seems like brain chemistry shifts the balance of the brain between "fuzzy" and "techie".


Lara said...

i tried seroquel one night when i was in the hospital, because i was having trouble sleeping. i didn't like the effects it had on me, but i'm still having tons of trouble sleeping, so i may need to try something again.

i'm still thinking of you, hoping good things come for you. let me know if there's ever anything i can do from where i am (both mentally and physically). big hugs.

dancing dragon said...

All these drugs seem to have as many side effects as benefits.

Thank you for your thoughts and offer to help. Things will get better for you, I know it!