Friday, January 12, 2007

Brain Drugs

With my recent increased unhiding of my blog, though not deanonymized, I wonder if I should go back and check all my prior posts for anything inappropriate. Well, if it's so secret, then why is it in a public blog? I don't know, there's something about keeping a journal for the self yet sharing it with anyone who wants to read it. Keeping it anonymous probably doesn't work either, since there has been at least one person who has come up to me and said, "Hey, I found your blog!" Googling dance topics of course.

Whether or not to share with coworkers is another question. That, I haven't come to any conclusion on yet, but I wouldn't be surprised if some of them already found it, since I have left links around from other pages temporarily in the past.

Well, earlier this week, I was even less functional. Maybe it was the SAM-e supplement I tried, which left me a total zombie the next day and lingering effects for several more days. Not like the "zombie" people use casually to describe being spaced out, but like literally staring at the same spot in front of me for half an hour and not realizing it for half an hour, and this occurring for the whole day.

So if it's supposed to be like an anti-depressant, I wonder what the Lexapro will do. I finally called my doctor and said I was willing to try it. Still doubtful, but at this point, I'm willing to try almost anything. He asked me if I was going to do anything special this weekend like hang out or something. I was thinking, where has he been? Um, I've been saying that I have trouble just sitting up long enough to eat lunch, and barely get through eating and showering each day. I don't know of anyone who has been that depressed that they are really physically incapacitated to this degree. I told the doctor I didn't feel depressed, at least not very. He said it didn't matter. If anything is making me depressed, it's the fact that I can barely eat and shower. So, chicken, egg? And maybe doctors should think more when a patient complains of physical symptoms.

Since weaning off the Clonazepam, I actually don't feel as depressed, and have less of the "I'm in a war zone" waves going through my body. I think that was actually making me feel suicidal. I never thought I'd ever have that experience of feeling in my life. In response to my concerns about anti-depressants causing suicidal tendencies, the doctor said, well, Clonazepam can make one suicidal too. Well, I guess he's right! Anyway, I seem to have gotten through the seizure-like activity, though occasionally bright lights and loud phone rings make my muscles twitch.

Mobic samples helped with the joint and muscle pain, and eased some of the muscle spasms, which eased some of the feelings of "anxiety". I think skeletal-muscular disorders can lead to psychiatric symptoms, and vice-versa. I can't remember the researcher and author of a book on Emotions that we were supposed to get from my sophomore seminar on the psychology of emotions. But basically, physically making an expression and innervating those muscles can cause one to feel the emotion associated with it.

On the other hand, I remember after the first Waltz Week, I was feeling like I was waltzing on happy drugs for literally the entire six months afterwards, even more than usual. Not that I needed happy drugs before.